God damn I'm lonely

So my fellow office blogger had the bright idea to up and quit. And I'm totally serious when I say it was a bright idea, why didn't I think of that?!?!

Great for her, god awful for me. I might actually go through with shooting myself in the face, but now there is no one here to pull the trigger. I guess it's my fate to live out my days hating my boss and coming up with a creative way to kill myself.

Thanks Bunny Suicides...

Kill me.

I just heard my co-worker say, "my feet and my ass smell".

Kill me.

Oh and by the way...

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, your company loves you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, thanks for all your hard work, blah, blah, blah, for that we are rewarding you with a pay cut and more work, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but you love work so we thought this is what you would want, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Oh, and by the way, your last day is on Friday.

WTF?

Let me explain. After this huge email full of fluff and crap was sent out to a select few (only a few people because the rest of the numb nuts here couldn't give a damn and probably doesn't even know who this person is even though she has been working here for 2 years!) at our company we come to find that one of the assistants has been laid off. If it me, I would be jumping for joy, but guess what, it wasn't. Now the rest of us are screwed completely. We are already under staffed and instead of finding a place for her somewhere else you lay them off. Guess it's just like in the movies, the token minority always gets the ax first. You think that might screw up our race quota. The asshole quota is already full, thank you.

I hate this job

Have you figured this out yet? I am surrounded by people who act like 14 year old girls. Silent treatment? Seriously?

Psychologically drained.

Is this reminder for me or is it really for you?

Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that when I get an email 'reminder' of work that is due that maybe this is the first time I've heard of it. Yes, I am above average at zoning out at work, but I'm pretty sure I remember when stuff is due whether I do it or not. Take that reminder and shove it.

Entertainment

File this under "I Don't Give a Fuck"

Oh wait, I file everything there.

Know how I know we can't be friends?

You brought raw chicken to work and left it in the fridge for weeks.

Yes, someone had the bright idea to bring raw chicken to work...and microwave it for lunch? It was left in the fridge in the kitchen closest to my desk for weeks. No one moved it or threw it away until it started to smell like death. That was a fun week. My tuna salad has been in there for quite awhile...payback is a bitch.

WHY DOESN'T THAT MAKE SENSE???

Okay, so already some people have disagreed with me about this fact. But guess what? I don't care. YOU. ARE. WRONG! Clipping your finger nails at your desk is disgusting. Don't do it. I don't want to be sitting here at this god awful job and suddenly be binkst in the head with a dead piece of your body. I've been trying to think of something equally annoying and gross that I could do to get back at these people. Then I realized...I'm not a pigman. Assholes.

How does it taste?

I hate everyone here. But, but! I ESPECIALLY hate one person in particular. Let's just call him Retarded Bastard or RB for short, hehe. So, despite him being probably the most horrible human being on this planet, I still work for him. I even go above and beyond once and a while. I run stupid errands for him, wrap gifts for his clients, stupid shit like that.

Get this, I even got him out of a court date because he left town and "forgot" he had to go to court to contest a speeding ticket, asshole.

Being the positive ray of sunshine that I am, I don't let him get to me. And do you know why? Karma, friends, karma. What is this karma I speak of? Well, basically I am a firm believer that if you are a giant asshole, fate will eventually come along and give you a big open handed bitch slap to the face.

So, jack off RB gets to reschedule his court date because of me, but guess what, he loses and has to pay a $120 fine and all the court dues. The next week he is also rear ended on his way to work. Week after he is called to jury duty.

All the while I just want to scream in his face at the top of my lungs, THAT'S KARMA BITCH! HOW DOES IT TASTE?!?!?!

The lesson here, don't be an asshole, it will come around to bite you. And if fate doesn't get you I'll slap you myself and no one will feel sorry for you.

Food Comas

As I sit here scarfing down my 2 hour old sausage mcbiscuit I find myself drifting into a food coma. I love food, that's just a fact, but why do I eat such gross shit? The answer my friend comes once again from the office. You can either suffer through this horrible bull dung being fully aware of how horrible it is or you can drown your sorrows by slipping into a comfortable food coma. I haven't figured out the specifics yet, but this company will be getting sued once I leave here a 500 pound giant.

The Slient Treatment

Wait...I thought I worked in an office...did I get a new job at a school or daycare you ask? Nope, I just work with flaming idiots.

I literally sit 5 feet away from this guy, but he is so lazy that he chooses to speak to a person that is maybe a foot closer. I can here him say, "tell her this and this". Uh, I CAN HEAR YOU! Damnit. I feel like I'm on one of those sitcoms where two people aren't talking to each other and there's a third person in the middle that has to act as mediator and hilarity ensues. This is not the case. I think I will bring a cardboard cutout to place at my desk. No one will know the difference...and the cardboard will probably get more accomplished than I would.

The Capacity to Be Nice

Being nice doesn't come easy to most folks around this office. Maybe that's why they hired me. They took one look and me and though, "yes, with enough irritation this person has just the right qualifications to become an asshole!" I do have a couple 'friends' here, but even they are assholes. Again, I guess it takes one to know one.

I've come up with several theories during my time here. My latest theory is that my boss is only capable of being nice to one person at a time. At present time I am not that person. Welcome to Hell, population me. It's bad enough I have to deal with these dickfaces everyday, but when they seem to possess the maturity of a two-year old, well, that's just the fucking cherry on the proverbial sundae of life.

Seriously, I got it! You're rich and you hate coming to this job. Try being poor and coming to this job. Your life doesn't seem so bad now does it? And when you go home you have small African children to clean your house, brush your teeth and dance for you amusement. I just have a normal sized Iowa guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm starting to sound bitter and I'm not. Not in a million years would I want to be my boss over who I am now. I am actually perplexed that he's survived this long. Number one, due to this lack of survival skill and number two, if I was him I would have killed myself long ago.

Wow...I sound mean. Maybe I don't have any 'nice' in me either. No, no, what am I saying? Of course I'm nice, at least in comparision to the people around me I am. It just takes so much energy not to open fire on these guys. I guess you could say being 'sunny' is on the bottom of my to-do list.

You've aged terribly.

The other day I went to the deli and from my Mr. Roger's sweater pulled out a single dollar bill to pay for my can of soda. I really can't say anything more about that.

Something I've been considering in order to get fired...

I sign 'personal' letters for my boss. His name of course. I've been thinking about just writing "poop" or "ass" or "Doogie Howser, MD" instead. Think anyone would notice? Or...

Adding craisins to all the mailings, not in a package, just loose in the evelope and then write something stupid like "Here's something to satisfy your hunger, but we're still hungry for your business!" or "Have some craisins you fat ass!" or "You look like someone who often contracts UTIs, here's some craisins, should clear that shit right up!" (had to add that last one for the ladies, can't be sexist in corporateland). Or...

Just simply replace all the mailings with stripper flyers. Yeah, yeah. I like that one best.

The fuck?

My office blocked Fail Blog, NOOOOOOOOOOO! One less retarded website to get me through the day, crap.

As always, instead of doing work, I was browsing my list of pointless websites; Hotmail, Woot, Etsy, Amazon, Ebay, Citypages, Urbanspoon, Menuism, Facebook, VS, YouTube, Lolcats, Target, Craigslist, CNN, UO, Forever21...ok, you get the point, and that was all before lunch.

But when I got to my beloved Fail Blog, ACCESS DENIED! Apparently access to this page is prohibited because it is a malicious web site. Well, if Fail Blog is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Remember to Clean Your Room...I mean Cube.

Grandma's coming to visit and you want to make a good impression, right? Aka, you want to make mommy look good. Oh...wait, I mean corporate is coming and it's time to pretend like this office actually functions. By the way, it does not.

I'm tired of these emails telling us to dress professionally and make sure our work spaces are presentable. Shouldn't they be like that anyways? It's like some people live here and that is just sad and disgusting. Still, I did my part and spruced up my cube a bit. Now I can just lie and say that I had to do it for the corporate visit and hopefully avoid people learning that I'm actually an anal retentive bitch, which I am. A CLEAN CUBE IS A HAPPY CUBE PEOPLE! HAPPY!!! waaaaahhh.

I debated putting a bowl full of condoms on top of my file cabinet and plastering the inside of my cube with porn. I'm taking bets right now for how fast I'll get canned. I give it an hour.

Note to self...

Learn more about golf...or get better at fake laughing at things you totally don't understand or care about.

Why You Should Never Miss a Day of Work.

Because it's great. That's why you should never miss it. Just kidding.

If you work with bumbling idiots then you should never miss a day of work because the office will explode and you'll be so backed up with work the next day you might as well just never come in again.

I missed (for good reasons) 2 out of the last 4 days of work. Color me awesome, because that's how I felt when I came to work and ended up working overtime (not paid of course) on Friday and then waking up at 5 on a Tuesday to get here at 6 something this morning. It was a freakin joy party and I was the guest of honor. I had so many emails and so much crap on my desk I thought I was going to die. It didn't help that I was full of steroids (legal, for allergies...I swear! I don't even like baseball). I partly attributed my 6 am anger to roid rage, which in normal cases not to be laughed at, but if you know me then it is pretty funny. I should of told the doc how prone I am to rage even without the influence of drugs.

So here I am, piled under 2 weeks of work that mysteriously appeared on my desk the 2 days I was out of the office. I guess it's good to know that people feel safer giving me work when I'm not around, but at the same time that means I can't never be out of the office. Can't wait til summer vacation time when I'll be gone for 3 days straight. Better warn the troops. OOO biaches.

Seacrest out.

The blogging has stopped...

but the asinine horribleness that is our work has not. We started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it turns out it's a little further away than we had originally thought. Hope still remains...at least for today.

If you work in an office, don't ever be overly helpful

Because you'll get in trouble. That's what I've learned. Share the advice. Spread it like a disease.

7am is so much better than 8am

Key reason: No one is here to bother me. I don't have to sit and listen to stupid people make stupid comments and I can do my work in peace...or I can sit on blogger and talk about my peace. I'm eating oatmeal from a mug and I don't have shoes on.

Did you look in your butt?

The other day I made the mistake of asking where something was while standing next to a broker with the mentality of a 15 year old...

Me: Hey, where can I find the square footage of that building that I could give a shit about?

Broker 1: Uh, I'm not sure, I'll have to find it for you.

Broker 2: Did you look in your butt?

*Sigh* this is my life...

I'm so helpless!!!

A fellow co-worker and I got a loverly little email this morning that read: "someone left vinyl paper in the printer, can one of you guys change it?"

First of all, we both sit like 10 feet away from you. Did you seriously need to email us.

Second of all, we didn't leave anything anywhere so why should one of us 'guys' change it.

Third of all, what the hell.

You've been taught, now you change the damned paper. Helpless sheep I tell you.

Website Filters

I'm amused with our company's website filter and I just had to share one. When I went to cracked.com it brought up a warning page with the reason it was blocked and the reason was "Tasteless". Haha.

If I'm a bread winner, then when did I enter the bread contest?

I would like some bread please!

Stupid company.

WE CAN'T AFFORD BOTTLED WATER!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The cuts are running deep these days at the old crap factory/our company. We had to cut the bottled water supply. DEAR GOD! I should mention that us employees never got bottled water, it was just for clients and guests so we could look like our branch isn't going under with the rest of the world.

What next?

I noticed the tea bags haven't been refilled in awhile. Damn.

At least it won't be the coffee. If they cut the coffee fund there would be WWIII where whoever was on the opposing side of this company would win handily.

Seriously?

Are you having another conversation about sweaters? Seriously. Next time there is a conversation about sweaters within earshot I'm fucking punching someone in the throat.

Kill me now.

Philanthrophize This!

"Philanthropy is the act of donating money, goods, services, time and/or effort to support a socially beneficial cause, with a defined objective and with no financial or material reward to the donor. In a more general sense, philanthropy may encompass any altruistic activity intended to promote good or improve human quality of life."

Thanks Wikipedia!

It's funny because according to our company:
"Philanthropy is the act of annoying the company's employees with attempts at raising money, good, services, time and/or effort to support stupid causes that are socially beneficial to no one, with a defined objective of making the company look like they aren't the spawn of Satan and with tons of financial or material reward to the donor (not looking like Satan, etc.) In a more general sense, philanthropy (at this company) doesn't encompass anything that is valuable or helpful to anyone in any way. While any altruistic activity is intended to promote good or improve human quality of life, this company's committee does no such thing. Someone needs to be shot...or at least demoted from the committee."

I would like to write about this week's awesome attempt at trying to pry money away from the stingy bastards we work with, but this philanthropy event is so dumb, so absolutely insanely dumb, that if I were to describe it people who work here would know we were talking about this company...because no one else could come up with an idea equally as dumb.

Let's just say it involves collecting change and we'll leave it at that. Oh, and all the money we raise is going to an equally stupid 'charity'. God I hate this place so very much.

I didn't realize this was a cult

You drink the kool-aid first, I'm not touching that shit.

We have unknowingly entered into a cult. There must have been some small print on the contract that I missed, but now our boss is making it overly clear that she wants us to all be assistants for the rest of our lives and here of all places. Gross.

Of course this makes sense. Get a whole bunch of young, intelligent (well, most of us) women together and break their spirits until they have nothing left but their awful job. Oh, and make sure you treat them all like shit. Women love this...?

This all came about yesterday when I was having a conversation with another assistant...Actually, let me rewind really quick...

I was pissed because my boss (the cult leader) was making a big stink about me going back to school. And dur, I'm not going back to assistant school. And yes, it is very obvious that the reason I'm going back to school is so I can get the hell out of here! I'm sure the boss is very offended (feelings hurt, waahhh!) and that's why they were giving me crap. Annoying, right? However, yesterday I found out it gets much worse. Why don't you just chain our leg to our cube. Hell, just cut off our feet so we can't run away.

It just so happens that our wonderful boss tells another assistant to not get a certain license and or certificate to advance in our field because she's not going to make anything doing it and basically that this assistant is stupid for trying to move up in the company. ENCOURAGEMENT!

"It was easy to get in, but impossible to rise up..."

That's what she said.

I've Been ABANDONED!

Damn you fellow Admin for leaving me at work by myself- And for what?! A job interview? Crap. I want you to get the job, but at the same time I would also like it if we duct taped ourselves together and said we were Siamese twins so I wouldn't be stuck here by myself.

We need a suicide pact...only minus the suicide...so, just a pact.

You just called me from your desk...

That's fine and all, our office is of decent size. The only problem I have is when you call me from your desk and I can see your face while you're doing it. Not like you're standing up on the other side of the office and I can see your head, no, I can literally see your face. There is an echo coming from my phone because your voice is actually louder, because your right next to me, than the voice coming out of the phone. When I can see your glasses sitting next to you on the desk, don't call me on the phone. When I can tell you had a sandwich and a pickle for lunch because there are crumbs all over your desk and you smell vaguely of dill and garlic, don't call me on the phone.

I guess I don't like being shouted at either, but when I saw who was calling me I really just wanted to turn around and say "WHAT!? I'M RIGHT HERE!" Oh, and by the way, this wasn't a joke.

I could definitely be the president of lazy, but even I have my limits.

Things I ponder at work

I often ponder things at work, not work related things so much, but anything to take my mind of the fact that I have to be here for so many more hours. My childish ADD mind keeps me sane.

Today's Ponder: What the hell am I doing here?

I'm just a social drinker

Sure you are saucy. It's not that I don't understand, I do. I like a drink or two to wash away the memories of work as much as the next guy, but stop pretending and own up to your alcoholic ways!

Joke, joke, joke...It's 10 am, let's get a drink, ha, ha, ha. DAMNIT! If there isn't whiskey in that coffee then I'm freakin' Santa Clause. Just stop making jokes about it, it's not funny and you're making my alcoholism worse with your words.

Ow, alcoholism hurts....hurts so good.

"I just wanted to say that the women in this office are terrible."

"...Especially the ones who wrote that stuff about Michael on the bathroom wall. Having a bathroom is a privilege. It is called a ladies room for a reason. And if you cannot behave like ladies, well then you are not going to have a bathroom."


Personally, I would take a little graffit-o over the stuff that goes on in our bathroom. I think most animals are cleaner than the people in this office. I take that back. All animals. Even dung beetles. Beetles that roll little poop balls around on the floor of a jungle are cleaner than the people in this office. I would french a poopy insect before I shook your hand.

You may think I'm overreacting, but I am not! Stuff on the seats...barf, I can't go on. Oh, but I will say this one thing - fart spray does nothing. It just makes it smell like farts and flowers. Glade does not sell a two dollar can of magic fart erasing potion. No, it just makes it smell like farts and flowers, but still mostly farts.

There was even an attempt at putting up a few signs. They were colorful and the words on the sign rhymed! Oy. If you are an adult who isn't potty trained and doesn't know how to wash their hands, I'm pretty sure you are illiterate and the sign isn't going to do a damned thing.

Yuck.

Hand addressing is so much more personal

It is, unless the people you send shit to see through your crap, which I'm pretty sure everyone does. We're a big business, but we have time to personalize everything! No, NO, I have time to personalize everything. But that's okay, I can waste 90% of my day here writing addresses on envelops. Even though it would be much more professional and would look a million times better if we printed and labeled the letter like corporate wants us two.

Win-win for me. I get to waste time and disobey corporate. Plus my handwriting looks like an eight-year old boys, so...

Know how I know we can't be friends?

You like coming to work to get away from your horrible homelife.

THE END IS NEAR!!!

I hope. Maybe I'm going to jinx it now, but I'm smelling the fresh air, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm...uh...doing other things with endings.

I think we might make it out of here-and ALIVE! Who would have guessed. The only sad part, definitely the only sad part is the blog might die just as quick as it was born.

I felt I had to document this now because if we're still here in a year or so we'll look like assholes and I don't want that.

Prompting

Prompting: to assist with a reminder, remind.

I'm going back to school and so my schedule here at work is changing a little and by a little I mean one day a week I will be coming into work an hour earlier and thus leaving one hour earlier. It's a mindfuck, I know. So in order to get out of here in time to go to school I had to send out repeated amounts of email all saying "REMINDER: This place is a hell hole and I need to get out, I will be returning back to school, my schedule is changing ONE WHOLE DAY you sons of bitches." Okay, so it didn't really say that.

Now that I think about it, I should have never told anyone I was doing anything with school or changing my schedule. It would have saved me a lot of time and no one would have noticed I was gone either...unless they happened to look out into the parking lot as I was leaving and saw me running down the street with my hands in the air yelling: "I'M FREE!!! I'M FREE!!!" Insert image of me dropping to my knees and sobbing next to my car because I am so happy that I am simply out of the building.

Anyways, to the PROMPT...my supervisor did it's supervisorly duty and super-advised me to 'maybe prompt your team at about 3:00 o'clock...' basically so they can dump shit on me and I can make sure I get outta work on time to make it to school.

Let me take you bitches to school for a second.
#1 I work with people who claim to be adults. If they have problems remembering I 'changed' my schedule so much they can eat crap. I am not your mommy and I am not going to 'prompt' you to put on fresh underwear.

#2 If they have stuff for me to do and it's after 5:00pm, guess what, I DON'T CARE. You barely pay me enough to make me stay around until 5, much less anytime after 5.

#3 Suck on it.

Prompt me to put my foot up your ass.

Know how I know we can't be friends?

Because you're over 35 and your favorite band is Nickelback.

(Actually it doesn't matter if you're 2, if your favorite band is Nickelback we can't be friends. Can we even call them a band? Because they're definitely not playing music. See you in hell Chad Kroeger!)

How did you get out of the Matrix?

Apparently our dress code OKs anything from the movie trilogy the Matrix. I must have missed that section.

On our way to work, as we drove through the front parking lot a luminous shadow appeared. Tall, paler than hell, dressed all in leather (seriously, the trench, boots, everything) and to top it all off dark black glasses. The wind blew, but the figure did not waver. Mysterious. Keanu?

I wonder if she chose the red pill or the green one.

We then spent the rest of the day trying to think of Trinity's name. I'm just glad she wasn't dressed like her, but she might as well have been.

Things that Actually Cheered me Up at Work, pt. 3

Someone at work (I won't say who) might have taken time out of his/her day to make this for me. Awesome. Give to friends...OR FOE!

Tigger and Scooby Doo, welcome to my hell

Long story short, one guy who sits by me laughs like Scooby Doo, the other one laughs like Tigger. They both are VERY LOUD. If you have no idea what the laughter of Scooby Doo or Tigger sounds like, good for you. I'm in hell...

Know how I know we can't be friends?

Because you call the phone 'the horn'.

Things I ponder at work

I often ponder things at work, not work related things so much, but anything to take my mind of the fact that I have to be here for so many more hours. My childish ADD mind keeps me sane.

Today's Ponder: Why does Pandora Radio think I like Rage Against the Machines' 'Sleep Now in the Fire' so much? It's not that bad I guess, but I really don't want to hear it anymore. I'm afraid to thumbs down it though, I'm not sure why. It's not like Zack de la Rocha is going to see me thumbing down his song on Pandora Radio and get all depressed and stop making music forever.....but maybe. THE NINA, THE PINTA, THE SANTA MA-RRRRRIA!

I'm not wearing any shoes, suck it corporate!

That's right, I'm not wearing any shoes. At this very moment, I AM NOT WEARING ANY SHOES! But you know what? My bare stinky feet are light years better than what some people wear here. Oh yeah, we supposedly have a 'dress code' it's just that some people have yet to decode it.

Explain this to me - why do I have to look like a corporate ass when all I do is sit in my little corner and keep to myself. If I could show you in some sort of graph or chart my productivity when I am dressed like a tool versus when I am dressed normally and comfortable, would you let me wear sweats to work, or just jeans, PLEASE!!!

As you can see on the left handside this is me when I have to abide by corporate dress codes (even though most people don't). The other side is me when I can wear whatever I want. My productivity might not increase much, yes, this is true, but notice how drastically my hatred towards your company is reduced. Very scientific.

Why Work 'Friends' should not be Facebook Friends

Oh yeah, and if you were wondering, Facebook friends aren't usually friends either.

I'm just waiting for the shit to fly at my face. The shit I will soon be getting for 'de-friending' people from work. It's not that I don't like the people I work with...wait, actually, it is and I don't. I kid, I kid. But the fact is work should not be mixed with whatever else it is you do in your life.

I made the mistake of becoming friends on Facebook with several of my co-workers. With some it has worked out fine. We sort of bitch about the same things, there is the occasional inside joke and when in the office we can actually have a conversation versus passing each other in the hallway and sharing an ackward hello. Other people however like to use Facebook as a stalking mechanism and although that is what Facebook was originally invented for I don't need some co-workers knowing what I am doing at any given time.

I made the mistake of writing "my place of employment has officially killed my spirit" as my status. People who actually know me thought it was funny and also sort of true. A faux, strictly Facebook friend made the comment "is she really sick or is she just sick of work?" First of all, yes, I was out for two hours one morning. Secondly, yes I was really sick, but I actually love work so much that I just couldn't stay away. Thirdly, we don't need to be making those comments and thus we cannot be friends even in a virtual setting.

My advice, keep work as far away from your life as possible.

When it happens to you in real life, it's not funny

There are some eerie parallels between the TV show "The Office" and the living hell I call "My Office" One might think if you get any old group of douchey guys and put them in an office setting hilarity would ensue. The harsh reality, what is funny on TV might not be so funny when it’s happening to you.

The Office: Dwight sneaks into the women’s bathroom to find out what’s written on the wall about Michael. FUCKIN’ FUNNY!

My Office: Some perv sneaks into the women’s bathroom to study the “architecture” (p.s. asshole got fired for sexual harassment) NOT FUNNY!

The Office: Michael and Andy bring 2 Asian waitresses from Benihana to their holiday party. Michael later marks ones of them so he can tell the difference between the 2. HILARIOUS!

My Office: A woman in my office thinks that me and another Asian woman are one person, continually changing outfits throughout the day. RACIST!

The Office: Meredith wears a ridiculously short and low tube dress on “casual day” and exposes herself to everyone. IT HURTS I’M LAUGHING SO HARD!

My Office: A girl wears a mini skirt with tool (think ballerina tutu) on a regular day and very well could have exposed herself at any moment. I’M BLIND!

The Office: Andy calls Jim to tell him he’s horny, “so horny”. THAT’S AWESOME!

My Office: Co-worker asks me to babysit. Co-worker: “You wouldn’t want to babysit my kids, ‘cause I am so horny I just need to dance”. I NEED AN ADULT!

The office: Ryan says “If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.” HAHA!

My Office: I say “If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds and nobody would ever know I had ever been here. And I'd forget too.” JUST PLAIN SAD…

Sexual harassment training

"Usually the day we talk about sexual harassment is the day that everyone harasses me as a joke."

We too had to participate in maditory sexual harassment training. The 2 hour video was actually more offensive than most of the stuff I've witnessed here. It was definitely more annoying and obviously shot in the 80s. Good thing I never work at work anyways, otherwise this video would have been a definite waste of time. Insert sarcastic what the fuck face here.

I'd like to start by saying training videos are the worst thing to ever happen to corporate America and maybe to the world. Whoever invented training videos is an asshole and I learned nothing.

"WHERE'S THE LINE, JAN?"

"Do you need to see the video again?"

It's too late for videos people. I am surrounded by dirty old men.

10 ways to make copying a one step process

#1. Don't waste your time walking all the way over to my cube to ask me to make copies for you.

#2. Don't waste more time explaining that it's for a really important meeting early tomorrow and then think that somehow that will light a fire under my ass to do your bidding.

#3. When I finally say I don't have time, hoping you'll get the hint (DO IT YOURSELF, DO IT! DO IT!!! BAHHHH! HOW HAVE YOU SURVIVED IN OFFICE LIFE SO LONG, MUCH LESS REGULAR LIFE???!!!! I AM LIGHTING YOUR HEAD ON FIRE WITH MY MIND!!) don't ask me who else could do it for you. Uh...a monkey with a reaching broom perhaps?

#4. Once I break down and suggest who might be able to help don't tell me the story of how so and so doesn't like you and wouldn't do it even if you did ask them.

#5. Don't bring it to the front desk lady, especially since she has already left for the day and you should know that she leaves at this time regularly. You're just wasting your time.

#6. Pull your head out of your ass. Simple.

#7. DO...

#8. IT...

#9. YOURGODFORSAKENSELF!!!!

#10. And lastly, the best way to make copying a one step process - get caught finally making your own copies, because you definitely won't get any help from now on. It will always be a one step process. DING-DING-DING!!!

PAM, PAM, PAM!

Prior to you reading/understanding this please see The Office, Season 4, 'Job Fair'. This will make so much more sense. This is going to be a long one, so strap on your...uh...reading......boots.

This particular day reminded me of a scene from said episode mentioned above. It was a normal day, but I guess there was this big client coming in to visit and use our conference room for whatever reason. We were even warned via email by the boss lady to dress professionally and make sure our desks were clean. A big client is visiting? Or am I 5 and is my grandma visiting. Anyways, I finally made the connection that these clients were actually my bosses' clients. So of course being the assistant extraordinaire I was told to order these people lunch. I was pissed from moment one because I was asked to call these guys and ask them what they wanted. When I called I was received by this annoying woman who for whatever reason though it was cute or funny that I was calling to consult them on their lunch requirements. Listen lady, I realize I look like the little guy that follows the elephant and picks up the poop, but give me a break.

It was decided, they wanted salad and some cookies for dessert. Some wanted cheese, others didn't, blah blah blah! So, now knowing what I was searching for, my next task was to find a local place to cater for these people. I came up with a big list and sort of as a 'ha-ha, I'm poor but I know what rich people food is', I put in a restaurant (which shall remain nameless, but disgusting none the least) that had $16 salads on the menu. Call me naive or uncultured, but I'm pretty sure salads are what bunnies eat, and bunnies ain't payin' no $16 to stay all fat and fluffy. But I digress.

It turns out that $16 means quality...to some people. So that is what I ordered. Hell, I wasn't paying for it, or was I?

Next thing I know I'm carting my yellow butt over to this place to pick up the damn thing. The bill you ask? Yup, 85 bucks! I gave them a five dollar tip and went on my way with this order pending on my credit card!!!!! I come back, drop of the food and bring the receipt to my bosses. End of story, right? WRONG!!!!

Of course $90 is a ridiculous amount to spend on lunch - for FOUR people, but my bosses were warned. I then spent the next 3 days listening to them bitch, asking me who approved this, etc. Still without any sight of a reimbursement. F-in' A Cotton, F-in A!

As I listened to them bitch this is all I thought about (this is where The Office comes in): "I specifically remember you saying 'PAM, PAM, PAM!' then you sneezed in my tea, but you said it was okay because it was just allergies". This is Pam reminding Michael that he said all they needed was one piece of paper for the job fair - like my bosses saying all they needed was a really expensive lunch, who cares about the cost but then getting all complainy later.

These people talk out of their asses and don't even know half the crap that is fall out. I need a tape recorder and a lot of tape. You're on candid camera bitch!

Things that Actually Cheered me Up at Work, pt. 2

Imagine if you will the following scenario:

Girl works at office job 8 to 5 everyday for a year or two. Girl gets dumped on by multiple people who all make way more than she does and don't know the words 'thank you' or 'here's your yearly bonus, you deserve it'. Girl has to deal with supervisors who talk about people "riding the special bus", but will defend to the death that they are 'PC' and the other who doesn't know how to make copies or do anything else productive for that matter and they still make more than the girl. Girl sits at desk, gets chronic migraines and contemplates the easiest way to smuggle a weapon into the office. Girl has permanent 'what the fuck face'.

Rich office guy tries to sit on chair, but misses and lands on his ass.

Girl thinks, maybe this job isn't so bad after all. Girl remains at job...at least for another week or until someone else does something equally as stupid/hilarious.

My Job is Killing Me

And I'm not even being dramatic!!! Okay, maybe a little bit. I have the blood pressure and cholesterol of a sixty year-old man and I blame work. Seriously though, the doc just called and my everything is not normal for a 20 something and otherwise relatively healthy looking adult.

The nurse literally suggest I consider quitting my job. I didn't disagree with her.

On the plus side my bosses are all being really nice to me for no apparent reason. Maybe they poisoned me and they all know I'm dying...eep.

I wear the big boy clothes

The guys here that are lucky enough to have a wife also have a full time cleaning lady, baby sitter, personal chef and personal shopper. Yeah, a bang maid…what? The only thing the wives have to do is pop out babies like it’s their biz-nass. Anyway, it’s been mentioned before that some of the people we work for make more in a month than we do in almost a year. And yet, they are incapable of dressing themselves? It seems so.

So what, prêt ell, do these guys love even more than having someone to dress them and change their diapers everyday? They love making fun of other douche bags that dress stupid.

The other day I had a 30 minute conversation/argument with a bunch of suits about what not to wear.

Suit 1: “You shirt looks western, like a cowboy shirt.” (Looked nothing like a western shirt)

Suit 2: “My wife picked it out, you like my shirt don’t you?”

Me: “God please take me now.”

Suit 2: “Well Suit 1 bought 20 sweaters 10 years ago and he just rotates them.” (They love to rip on this guy’s sweaters for some retarded reason) “At least he doesn’t have to have his suits custom made like "insert douchey name here".

Suit 1: “Yeah, it’s because he’s as wide as he is tall.

Suit 3: And there isn’t a big market for 300 pound kids who need suits.” (Burn)

All suits laugh…

So the lesson is, if people make fun of you because you’re not as cool as the other d-bags in the office, just blame it on your bang maid, uh, I mean wife.

The Hawk and the Mouse

One could imagine how boring an office job might get, but so boring that a hawk flying around outside is means for commotion? Apparently.

At our old building we were higher up, thus we got to witness all of the car crashes and other 'fun' events from a good safe distance. Now, at our new building, we're closer to the ground floor and that means our new source of amusement is the hawk that lives in the adjacent parking lot.

The other day the hawk, we'll call him...Mr. Hawk, was flying quite low to the ground. "OH MY GOD! SOUND THE ALARM!" There was screaming, chaos! Children were crying! Kidding, but what actually happened was still mildly annoying. Several gathered around the window as Mr. Hawk swooped down and picked up a mouse, most likely his dinner. As the mouse wriggled around, still alive (but not for long) everyone gasped and chattered like it was the most amazing friggin thing they had ever seen. Nature.

I just sat with a blank stare as I thought to myself "Lucky fuckin' mouse."

Things that Actually Cheered me Up at Work.

An email from a fellow co-worker...

I thought these were funny.

Think before you speak... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak: Have you ever spoken and wished that you could Immediately take the words back....... Or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow. And asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word....... He knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let meforget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, So, of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' I kept thinking, 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn’t' have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled; 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think twice before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor who, The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh And remember We all say things we don't really mean, So think before you speak!!!!!

TMI! TMI My Friends!

TMI? Too much information. I used to say "don't go there" but that...that's just lame.

If you haven't noticed I reference The Office a lot. If you don't get any of my jokes, I'm sorry. You've been warned.

This was actually a secondhand TMI, so THANKS A LOT FELLOW MYOFFICE ADMIN! I could have gone without this story, but the other one wanted me to suffer with her. I hate you.

It was something like this: "Can you sit my kids tonight? I'm really horny and I just need to get out and dance!"

All I could picture was this 40 something divorcee grindin on some other 40 year-old divorcee.

uh...wha?...er......BARF!

Yes, I drive a Honda. No, the crotch rockets in the parking lot are not mine.

I'm not calling anyone racist here, but...yeah.

Two crotch rocket bikes sit in the parking lot. In the course of one day I literally had 3 different people ask me if the bikes were ours. Why? Because they were crotch rockets and we might be a little Asian and there might be a little stereotype about Asians and crotch rockets. 'Nuff said.

Want to make tens of thousands and kill innocent living things at the same time?

People at my work can tell you how - Dog breeding! It's that easy and apparently all the rage among the dim witted, cruel and bourgeois.

I guess it didn't help that I had just read an email from a friend regarding animal shelters and how they euthanize pretty much everything that comes in. It's not the shelter's fault, it's the people who think pets are just an accessory and the people who over breed animals just to make a buck.

You can see this unfortunate shit first hand just by walking into a shelter or going on to one of their websites.

Reason for being put up for adoption: "I'm moving to a place that doesn't allow pets."
Um, would you leave your child in a dumpster if they didn't allow kids at your new home? No. You would say this is stupid and do all you could to find a place that accepts kids. There are tons of places that allow pets, LOOK FOR THEM!

Reason for being put up for adoption: "I didn't think it would get that big."
First of all, that's what she said. Secondly, do some friggin' research! It's like me buying a teacup poodle, sitting it down and yelling at it saying "GET BIGGER THAN A TEACUP DAMNIT OR I'M PUTTING YOU IN A SHELTER!"

Reason for being put up for adoption: "I wanted to breed my dog for money and some of them didn't get bought, and hell if I want them!"
Okay, so that one is fake...sort of. Because if you think about it, these people who breed dogs or any other animal just to make money are basically saying "I don't care about the animals, I just want the money." About half of the animals that come into shelters are purebreds. They get thrown into shelters just as much as the so-called mutts. In addition, people who have this idea that purebred animals are somehow superior to any other animal are stupid. There are tons of adorable animals that need homes just waiting to be adopted and I guarantee they will love and adore you just as much as the thousand dollar ones would. I have 2 kitties at home that will vouch for me.

Just one of the wonderful conversations I was privileged enough to overhear. "My daugther was thinking about breeding her dog, she was going to make like 12,000 dollars or something." Some other guys says something...blah, blah. Her response: "Yeah, otherwise we'd have a whole bunch of mutts running around." INSERT ANNOYING LAUGH HERE. Sometimes I wish I was deaf or at least deaf as soon as I entered the office and then miraculously regain my hearing as soon as I left this place.

The same people with panDAMAC!!! fever are the same ones talking about breeding their dogs and how much money they could make. Go figure.

He sure has the "know" how, or is it no...how?

I suck at grammar and I really don't know how to spell (queue public school flash back). One thing I do know, the difference between "know" and "no"...

Office Jerk: Hey, is "no" as in "no one" spelled k-n-o-w?

Me: You're joking. You obviously don't know the definition of "know" or "no"...and I think you may be mentally retarded.

Office Jerk: I think I've been spelling it know one...

The PanDAMAC!

Holy hell! It's the panDAMAC!!!


It's bad enough that the media is stirring everyone into a shit frenzy about this, but no one loves to talk about 'worldly issues' more than the people in our office. And lucky us! We have had a tremendous amount of interesting issues circulating in the last 2 years or so that everyone can talk about...yay. And lucky us, now everyone has swine flu. I plan to come in dressed as a pig and ask if I can go home, think it will work?


First of all if you're going to talk overly loudly about things like this 5 feet away from my cube learn how to pronounce the fracking word correctly. Secondly, get some solid knowledge on the issue instead of regurgitating what you heard on FOX yesterday evening. That's right FOX, I said it. I've found more insightful and informative news in The Onion (ps Onion, you entertain me to no end, so thanks to you and your writers).


Everyone here wants to seem informed and worldly, but when you ask me stupid questions 99.9% of the rest of the time, guess what, I'm not going to be fooled by your poor attempt to seem edu-macated.

An English Lesson

Keep in mind that these questions SERIOUSLY came from so-called professionals who make more in a month than I do in a year. Thanks society!

Office Guy: "Does the word thoughts or comments have an aposotrophe in them?"

My reply: "No."

Office Guy: "Neither of them?"

Insert 'what the fuck face' here.

Some Background...But Not An Incriminating Amount

We've both worked at this office for a considerate amount of time so we've heard and seen a lot of things. Personally, I, who loved the television show 'The Office', thought working in one would be full of hilarious quips and never ending good times. Call me naive (I'd call it hopeful and spirited), but I really thought it could be like that. Can you tell that I had never worked a cubicle job before?

To my dismay people in real life office jobs are equally obnoxious, stupid and irritating as the people on the show, just minus all the funny stuff. If people were actually to report what goes on here HR would have a field day.

In the future you will come to learn about all the interesting 'characters' us luck-buckets get to enjoy (endure?) every god forsaken day. Call me a complainer, give me your spiel about pursuing another job or just quitting, but I'll tell you what, I'm not going to listen. All this crap about working and achieving anything you set your mind to is smelly bull dingy and you bet your sweet ass I'll be telling my kids that. Sometime people do get what they want, some just get lucky, but most of the time you have to suffer a little in a job that makes you want to hang yourself in order to get a little buckage in hopes rid yourself of the horribleness that is office work.

Hey, maybe there will come a time when we can look back and laugh about all of this. There may also be a time that I will shoot myself in the head.

Welcome

This is a blog created to share with the world just how great our office is...is great the right word?

It's been 2 years for one of us and a year and a half for the other...The list has already become to long.

All of these stories are true.

Names have been changed to spare people the embarrassment of their own stupidity.

Welcome and enjoy sharing in the painful daily experience that is our office.