Is this reminder for me or is it really for you?

Sometimes I get the sneaking suspicion that when I get an email 'reminder' of work that is due that maybe this is the first time I've heard of it. Yes, I am above average at zoning out at work, but I'm pretty sure I remember when stuff is due whether I do it or not. Take that reminder and shove it.

Entertainment

File this under "I Don't Give a Fuck"

Oh wait, I file everything there.

Know how I know we can't be friends?

You brought raw chicken to work and left it in the fridge for weeks.

Yes, someone had the bright idea to bring raw chicken to work...and microwave it for lunch? It was left in the fridge in the kitchen closest to my desk for weeks. No one moved it or threw it away until it started to smell like death. That was a fun week. My tuna salad has been in there for quite awhile...payback is a bitch.

WHY DOESN'T THAT MAKE SENSE???

Okay, so already some people have disagreed with me about this fact. But guess what? I don't care. YOU. ARE. WRONG! Clipping your finger nails at your desk is disgusting. Don't do it. I don't want to be sitting here at this god awful job and suddenly be binkst in the head with a dead piece of your body. I've been trying to think of something equally annoying and gross that I could do to get back at these people. Then I realized...I'm not a pigman. Assholes.

How does it taste?

I hate everyone here. But, but! I ESPECIALLY hate one person in particular. Let's just call him Retarded Bastard or RB for short, hehe. So, despite him being probably the most horrible human being on this planet, I still work for him. I even go above and beyond once and a while. I run stupid errands for him, wrap gifts for his clients, stupid shit like that.

Get this, I even got him out of a court date because he left town and "forgot" he had to go to court to contest a speeding ticket, asshole.

Being the positive ray of sunshine that I am, I don't let him get to me. And do you know why? Karma, friends, karma. What is this karma I speak of? Well, basically I am a firm believer that if you are a giant asshole, fate will eventually come along and give you a big open handed bitch slap to the face.

So, jack off RB gets to reschedule his court date because of me, but guess what, he loses and has to pay a $120 fine and all the court dues. The next week he is also rear ended on his way to work. Week after he is called to jury duty.

All the while I just want to scream in his face at the top of my lungs, THAT'S KARMA BITCH! HOW DOES IT TASTE?!?!?!

The lesson here, don't be an asshole, it will come around to bite you. And if fate doesn't get you I'll slap you myself and no one will feel sorry for you.

Food Comas

As I sit here scarfing down my 2 hour old sausage mcbiscuit I find myself drifting into a food coma. I love food, that's just a fact, but why do I eat such gross shit? The answer my friend comes once again from the office. You can either suffer through this horrible bull dung being fully aware of how horrible it is or you can drown your sorrows by slipping into a comfortable food coma. I haven't figured out the specifics yet, but this company will be getting sued once I leave here a 500 pound giant.

The Slient Treatment

Wait...I thought I worked in an office...did I get a new job at a school or daycare you ask? Nope, I just work with flaming idiots.

I literally sit 5 feet away from this guy, but he is so lazy that he chooses to speak to a person that is maybe a foot closer. I can here him say, "tell her this and this". Uh, I CAN HEAR YOU! Damnit. I feel like I'm on one of those sitcoms where two people aren't talking to each other and there's a third person in the middle that has to act as mediator and hilarity ensues. This is not the case. I think I will bring a cardboard cutout to place at my desk. No one will know the difference...and the cardboard will probably get more accomplished than I would.

The Capacity to Be Nice

Being nice doesn't come easy to most folks around this office. Maybe that's why they hired me. They took one look and me and though, "yes, with enough irritation this person has just the right qualifications to become an asshole!" I do have a couple 'friends' here, but even they are assholes. Again, I guess it takes one to know one.

I've come up with several theories during my time here. My latest theory is that my boss is only capable of being nice to one person at a time. At present time I am not that person. Welcome to Hell, population me. It's bad enough I have to deal with these dickfaces everyday, but when they seem to possess the maturity of a two-year old, well, that's just the fucking cherry on the proverbial sundae of life.

Seriously, I got it! You're rich and you hate coming to this job. Try being poor and coming to this job. Your life doesn't seem so bad now does it? And when you go home you have small African children to clean your house, brush your teeth and dance for you amusement. I just have a normal sized Iowa guy. Don't get me wrong, I'm starting to sound bitter and I'm not. Not in a million years would I want to be my boss over who I am now. I am actually perplexed that he's survived this long. Number one, due to this lack of survival skill and number two, if I was him I would have killed myself long ago.

Wow...I sound mean. Maybe I don't have any 'nice' in me either. No, no, what am I saying? Of course I'm nice, at least in comparision to the people around me I am. It just takes so much energy not to open fire on these guys. I guess you could say being 'sunny' is on the bottom of my to-do list.